stop the bus, or at least slow it down

life has been moving a pretty breakneck pace lately. isaac turns 7 months this friday, and somehow i am not entirely surprised, for since january i have been teaching bible at a local christian school as well as doing ministry stuff. it has been strangely empowering b/c i no longer have time to sit around and think about all the things i am not doing, instead i simply have to focus on the next task. although i don't feel like i am there yet, i see how this can easily become an unhealthy pattern, never slowing down enough to actually have to think about the person you are becoming.

one chance i had to slow down recently was at a conference in san diego a couple weeks ago. the seminar was mainly comprised of contemplative practices, including extended time in silence and prayer. (by extended time i mean 20 minutes at most lest you think i am trading san diego for some lonely desert.)

during one of these times the facilitator asked us to consider something God might be calling us to receive. for some reason i felt like he was asking me to receive my son's love. granted he was only 6 months at the time, but i felt that in some very tangible ways he was loving me: the way he smiles when i go to get him in the morning, the way his eyes follow me across the room as i get ready for work, the way he kicks his legs in excitement when i get home.

annie has always been very good at helping translate these things for me, but that night i had a distinct sense of it for myself. i came home late, eager to receive this gift, to be open to the blessing of my son. the following morning i greeted him warmly and waited to be showered with the fuzzies. it was soon after i realized there is a subtle yet tremendous difference between receiving and expecting.

he wasn't cruel or anything, but he certainly wasn't gushing either. he was simply isaac that morning. i was briefly disappointed before i understood i was expectant, wanting him to love me so i could receive it, not simply open to receiving whatever it was that he had to offer. i tried to back off a bit, to open my hands to reality, instead of wrapping them around some unmet desire. this is going to take some practice, and maybe even a little time in a desert.