gray hair part two

i was joking around with my friend paul not to long ago about how i am going to start naming my gray hairs after stressful events in my life. one will be called "the time isaac nearly fell out of his swing b/c i turned my back for literally three seconds" (actually, truth be told, he did fall out, but annie caught him with her catlike reflexes), one will be called "the time i had a gun pointed at me by a peace officer b/c i tried to outrun him before pulling over" and a whole series of them will simply be entitled "third grade". wednesday another one was added to the list called "the day i found out isaac has permanent hearing loss".

it is a rather long story, all the details of which i probably couldn't get straight, but what it comes down to is that isaac is legally deaf in one ear. multiple hearing tests over the past several months have confirmed that hearing in both his ears is not quite what it should be, and this past week the doctors told us that they want to equip him with a hearing aid.

if you have ever seen him before, you might have noticed that both ears are pretty small, but that his right ear is even smaller than his left, like it never fully opened up. annie and i, in the tradition of finding nemo, have dubbed it his lucky ear. turns out this is more true than we initially realized.

normal hearing level is a 20, and hearing in his lucky ear is at a 35. essentially this means he cannot hear whispers, but he can hear regular voices. this is a much better prognosis than most people who have similar conditions. generally kids with microtia cannot hear anything, and many of them do not even have ear canals. the fact that isaac can hear out of that ear at all is amazing. his other ear is at an 85, and although the doctors are still unsure about exactly what he can hear in that ear, they know it is not much. within the next couple weeks they will do some extended testing and fit him for a hearing aid which he will probably wear in one form or another from here on out.

initially i was super frustrated with the news, actually i was just straight up pissed. i am pretty sure a few choice expletives were thrown the way of the technician who had told us that any hearing loss was partial and temporary, giving us what we now know is false hope about his condition. it was as though one of the few pieces of "good" news we have received about isaac's health had been snatched away from us before we really got to enjoy it.

but honestly, we still have more than enough good news. first of all we know that something is wrong with his hearing. it is quite conceivable that we could not have found out until much later, when it would have been of much greater detriment to his speech development. second, we have the resources to do something about it. the insurance company ain't much help b/c they don't have to be, but the technology that can help our son exists and is accessible to us. there are countless situations around the world in which this is not the case.

i am quickly realizing that part of me as a parent never wants my son to face difficulties. i want to protect him from harsh reality. i want him to remain like he was the morning of his cleft surgery: blissfully unaware of what was coming, smiling and thinking that the world was peaches and cream.

yet i know at some point in his life his ignorance will give way to awareness. some kid will make fun of his cleft, of his hearing aid, or of the fact that he has superman on his underpants. the burdens of discouragement and frustration that we as parents have been carrying for him will be placed squarely upon his shoulders. and my heart aches because of that.

but when i really think about it, who wants to raise a kid that never has anything bad happen to him? kids who get everything their way are absolute brats, just ask half the oc. trials can be transformative, they can be things that give you character, humility and compassion.

annie and i are trying to become the type of parents that help this happen for our son. in the process i often wonder: how do you balance legitimate grief and not letting your son feel too sorry for himself? i am not sure, but i am almost certain i will develop a few more gray hairs in looking for an answer to this question.