the rest of the road

so things have resumed somewhat of a sense of normalcy around here. fires for the most part have been extinguished, people are leaving qualcomm as the chargers will play there tomorrow, and many of the evacuation centers are closing. it was cool to watch people give during the disaster, by the end the resources outweighed the needs, volunteers being turned away and people being asked to stop bringing stuff. san diego has responded generously, but i wonder what will happen from here on out.

as much as we maintain that we will never forget, we do. as good as our intentions are, they gradually fade. the changes that have happened to us and in us during times of tragedy often give way to mundane habit. the opportunities to give outlast the desire, and healing is usually a much longer process than our attention spans allow for.

fact of the matter is i don't like to think about other people. while i am not always a huge fan of me, i would much rather spend all my time being self consumed than i would focusing on anybody else. when their loss is thrust upon me like during the fires, suffering broadcast 24 hours a day, i can't help but think about it for the time being. but soon i surround myself with trivial collections, the glories of the internet, and 500 channels of cable. cell phone calls become unwanted interruptions to my self focused train of thought.

but wildfires are not the only time people hurt; tragedies happen everyday. i spent the thursday afternoon with a family whose 18-year-old son had taken his own life. his mom was ruined, wracked with guilt about not doing more for her boy. the younger siblings, including the junior high age brother and 10-year-old twin sisters, struggled to cope. how do you recover from a loss like this?

to be honest, i am not sure, but i know it will take more than "disaster relief". i imagine it will take a community who will remember, who will share stories, who will walk with them on the long road to wholeness. but even saying that feels a little hollow and contrived, not that it makes it any less true.

world on fire

as you may have heard, pretty much all of southern california is on fire right now. our cars are full of our valuables and our sentimental items, news is on the television 24 hours a day, a constant drizzle of ash has covered everything outside in a fine blanket, and we are all going a little stir crazy trying to stay inside in the a/c so as to avoid respiratory issues, especially for the boy. by some estimates there have been about 1,000 homes in san diego county lost, along with hundreds of thousands of acres, and all i can think is how it is so annoyingly inconvenient.

yesterday morning as annie was packing, i was getting super frustrated and irritated, realizing anything we packed and hauled downstairs to the car, would have to be hauled back upstairs and unpacked at some point. the half a dozen return trips made for forgotten luxuries were nothing short of obnoxious to me. the possibility that we may never return, that we may be permanently adrift, never really crossed my mind.

on the other hand, the 300,000 people who are under mandatory evacuations, having been displaced from their homes, must be just dumfounded and reeling, having the proverbial rug pulled out from underneath them. some of them will return to utter chaos and nothingness, rubble and ash, fire and smoke. i think the reality and scale of such loss seems so far away from me right now that it might as well be uganda, half a planet away, where millions have been displaced by a 20 year civil war.

we are very grateful for our small little world, our island in a sea of burning, where things feel a little like christmas, as lazy mornings blend into lazy afternoons. last night we made chocolate chip cookies and had some friends drop off an air purifier for isaac. at the same time, we are distantly aware that not everybody has it so good. please pray for our community, and for my perspective, b/c while there is nothing wrong with putting our family first, i do want to get beyond ourselves, so we can be a part of the comfort and healing that will need to follow.

happy feet

we took an ink print of isaac's feet about a week ago. the scan and the scale are a little rough, but you get the idea. his big toe is shorter than most of the others, just like mine. we are finding that we enjoy him more and more everyday.

happy 29th (again)

so on wednesday we had our initial surgery consult with dr. coehn of the children's hospital cleft clinic. it was fairly routine, pictures were taken, inspections were made, and information was given. apparently we had accumulated a certain amount of mythology surrounding his surgery, much of which was dispelled during our visit. here are a few of the finer points:

*the surgery will take about an hour and a half, and require at least one if not two nights in the hospital. at first the thought of a hospital stay was a bit alarming, until he explained that you don't want to be at home that night worrying about whether or not he is in pain, unable to do anything if for any reason the stitches were to come out. quite true, we will gratefully accept the help.

*apparently plastic surgery is a lot like golf. how's that for a stereotype? while hole in one's are not common, he is entirely pleased with about 85% of the lip repairs he does and they do not require any other alterations. if he is entirely pleased, we are going to be ecstatic, b/c he is a perfectionist, which is a great quality in somebody who is going to be putting a scalpel to your child's face. the nose will probably be redone at about age 4, and the ear about age 5 to 6.

*as far as his gum goes, this week they just did the first operation where instead of doing a bone graft from the patient's hip, they put a sponge with soaked in some sort of medical goo that facilitates bone growth into the gum instead. it all sounds very potter-ish to me. in 8 years, we are hoping that this sort of thing is very routine b/c apparently the bone graft is the worst part of that whole procedure.

*apparently if isaac were to grow a mustache, we wouldn't even be able to see his scar at all. yeah...but then he would have a mustache. even the fact that both his grandmothers loved (and still love) magnum p.i. doesn't make it ok. they deserve to come back in style just about as much as tight white jeans for men.

scheduling the surgery has been a bit frustrating. we are hoping to have it done as soon as possible, but there are no openings till the 27th of november. ideally there will be a cancellation and we will be able to get him in sooner. until then, we will have to be health nazis, keeping him well since he cannot have his surgery if he is sick. we would appreciate your prayers for health and patience in the time in between.

my bonnie lies over the ocean

so, i spent the weekend hanging out with junior high students at an overnight broomball trip. ironically i probably got about as much sleep as usual. isaac on the other hand got visits from a couple of our favorite bonnie's.

our faithful friend bonnie joyce was down from menlo and brought him a cute outfit with crocodiles on it. we spent the morning hanging out and catching up on life and gossip.

auntie bonnie came that afternoon and brought him a teddy bear dressed like a pirate. it was from the build-a-bear workshop at disneyland. rumor has it she had to sell a kidney on ebay to finance it, but she maintains that isaac is "worth every penny".

he is cooing up a storm lately, we love to sit around and hear him blab. smiles abound, at least when his gas pains are not giving him too much trouble.

the two month check up on monday went well, he is up to one ounce shy of 10 pounds, in good shape for his initial surgery consult. we thought it was today, turns out it is tomorrow. we will probably post details about that soon.

are there any horse socks?

yo, what up peeps. isaac in the house. let me rap wit you a little bit about my weekend.

first of all, i got to meet adrienne for the first time this weekend. my mom became good friends with adrienne when they were young, which is to say a really long time ago. she has been a great encouragement to my mom and dad through this whole process as her daughter jayden had the same surgery as i will have. jayden will be two this week, but her little brother zachary is only a few months older than me. he grows real quick, and i get all his awesome hand me downs.

yesterday we had some friends over, and sean and julie brought me my first pair of horse shoes. mom thought they were really cute, and immediately shoved them on my feet.

i humored her for a while, but then kicked them off when she wasn't looking. if she only knew what else i did while she wasn't looking my online gambling career would be over in a heartbeat. but what she doesn't know won't hurt her.

after being passed around like a church offering plate, i was pretty wiped out and decided to crash. please note the chubby legs.


after everybody left, mom decided it was time for another photo shoot. megan and blake hooked me up with the rockin' onesie that has a picture of a stroller and says "that's how i roll".

all right. i am out. i've got a hold 'em tournament starting in a few minutes. peace.

so this is what you get for going past first base

life with a newborn is full of firsts. first day, first night, first sneeze, first cough, first dirty diaper, first bath, and the list goes on from there. today we experienced another first with our son: first cold. nothing serious or life threatening, mostly just snot bubbles that suck in and out with his breathing, but the pathetic little whimper he whines to express his discomfort makes us "ooohhh" with sympathy. on his first sick visit to the doctor today he weighed 9lbs. 8oz. which is great, and now we are hoping he doesn't lose too much of that with this cold b/c he has to be 10-12 pounds when he goes in for his surgery, and our initial consultation is less than two weeks away. we are praying he heals quickly and easily.

another fun recent first, first smile(s). sunday night we were hanging out at starbucks with our friends sean and julie, and isaac would not stop smiling at sean. it wasn't mom or dad that got the first one, but some unknown, yet endearing, stranger. dad got the second one the next day, and mom had to wait all the way till wednesday before getting hers. the life of a mother is never easy; she does all the hard work, and has to wait the longest for the rewards.

now we are just looking forward to the next big first....first full night of sleep. sure we will see that one any day now.

first time with some of the strive group

don't get tim lahayed

i was talking to my friend christophe the other night, and i suddenly realized that there are details about isaac's birth and life so far that have somehow been left behind. not the whole picture by any means, but subtle, significant nuances that add a little texture.

1. when isaac came out, the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck. we could not see this of course, b/c during a c-section, all the blood and surgery and stuff is neatly tucked behind a sterile veil, yet as we listened to the sounds of delivery, the beeps, the buzzes, the flow of air, we heard a distinct voice, the voice of dr. lim, say, "the cord is around his neck." there was no panic in his voice, no concern, just a very simple statement of fact. i guess after delivering approximately 8,000 babies, there are very few things that surprise you.

when he came to visit us a couple days later, he told us that the blood in the cord had also thinned out, the result of annie's contractions while isaac was in the birth canal. we expressed our deep gratitude for his wisdom in taking our son at the right time, and he replied, "i have done this for long enough; i don't wait for trouble to find me." oh, if only the same thing could be said about kirk cameron and his career choices.

2. isaac loves to look at light. i don't know why this is, i would assume it has something to do with the contrast and intensity, but i often wonder what he is thinking about as he stares. it must be a strange experience to be in the womb for so long with a pretty unchanging view, then to be thrust into the world, full of color and brightness. sometimes it looks like he is trying to take it all in at once, and that his head just might explode with all the stimulation.

3. out of all the creative and sometimes bizarre baby products we have around our home, the one that takes the cake so far is the one i have affectionately dubbed "the baby straight jacket". designed as a swaddler, it is supposed to recreate the feeling of the womb. all i know is that it involves multiple layers of velcroed cotton, and the first time i saw my son in it, with his arms pinned at his sides, i thought the men with white coats had paid him a visit. it does help him sleep though, so i don't feel nearly so bad about it anymore.

otherwise, he continues to grow fatter everyday, we are pretty sure that he is beginning to smile on purpose, and we are trying to drink it all in.

"life moves pretty fast. if you don't stop and take a look around once in a while you could miss it."

--Ferris Bueller, 1986