yesterday we had our first non-family visitors: our good friends the jacksons. we were in no shape to have people come by any sooner, but sunday afternoon it was good to have some company. ryan and i watched football on annie's bed while she waited on us hand and foot.
annie decided to share, so i finally got to hold ryder this morning for like a full 45 minutes while he was being fed via the feeding tube that goes through his nose and down into his stomach. notice the smile (or at least the smirk) while i hold him.
this is the monitor that is pretty much constantly watched. heart rate on top, breathing rate, then oxygen saturation. once the breathing rate is 30-70 and the oxygen saturation above 94 consistently and without help, he can leave the hospital.
isaac is a super kid to come home to (he found a new toy in the breast pump case), and provides a good distraction from the fact that ryder is not yet with us permanently.
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so i hate the hospital. it is a place without location. given the fact that all hospitals look the same, we could have just as easily been in the midwest as in san diego county. it is a place without season. despite the fact that they had christmas garland wrapped throughout the hallways, it felt nothing like christmas in that place. it is a place with conditioned air that dries hands and lips to the point of cracking.
nights were the worst. saturday night i found myself simply angry about our situation, pissed that we were having to go through another unexpected trial while other families had much more normal experiences. last night i was just itchin' to leave the confines of sterility and the relentless low grade anxiety. in my more logical moments i realize both these things have deep roots in fear, but sleep deprivation rarely allows for such luxuries such as logic. i woke this morning tired and able to taste my teeth, glanced outside to find the cold, clear skies of the past several days replaced by spitting rain and thickening clouds. perfect.
i don't mean to whine, i know our situation could be much worse, that we trust in resolution and redemption. the positives are way larger than the negatives, like the fact that he is in fantastic hands, that we will probably sleep better for the next few days, that his smelly rotten little belly button crusty may fall off before we get him home, that he is making daily progress, and that it is way better to face this now rather than later. ryder has not been a consistent part of our life yet and therefore we do not feel his absence quite so sharply. yet God speed his homecoming and grant us peace.
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so i hate the hospital. it is a place without location. given the fact that all hospitals look the same, we could have just as easily been in the midwest as in san diego county. it is a place without season. despite the fact that they had christmas garland wrapped throughout the hallways, it felt nothing like christmas in that place. it is a place with conditioned air that dries hands and lips to the point of cracking.
nights were the worst. saturday night i found myself simply angry about our situation, pissed that we were having to go through another unexpected trial while other families had much more normal experiences. last night i was just itchin' to leave the confines of sterility and the relentless low grade anxiety. in my more logical moments i realize both these things have deep roots in fear, but sleep deprivation rarely allows for such luxuries such as logic. i woke this morning tired and able to taste my teeth, glanced outside to find the cold, clear skies of the past several days replaced by spitting rain and thickening clouds. perfect.
i don't mean to whine, i know our situation could be much worse, that we trust in resolution and redemption. the positives are way larger than the negatives, like the fact that he is in fantastic hands, that we will probably sleep better for the next few days, that his smelly rotten little belly button crusty may fall off before we get him home, that he is making daily progress, and that it is way better to face this now rather than later. ryder has not been a consistent part of our life yet and therefore we do not feel his absence quite so sharply. yet God speed his homecoming and grant us peace.
1 comment:
wow Stew!
You are a beautiful poetic writer. I just discovered your blog today. I'm so happy that now Ryder is home and safe with you all!
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